[Disclaimer: this post is very poorly written and despite all your efforts, you most likely won't understand what I am trying to say haha, but I tried really hard to make it as clear as possible.]
For the past couple of days I've been keeping busy. Working, then going out, staying up. Yenno, the works. It's been good. I love my friends, I love my job (aside from the not getting paid part! Efff, so broke!), and I love Vancouver and its current weather.
But then I start to think that I'm keeping busy just so I can avoid things. Is it avoid or forget? They're practically the same, right? Either way, I'm running away. I was never any good at running though. I remember one time in grade 5, I was super ambitious and thought that it'd be fun to join track. HA! Yeah. Boy, did I have a lot to learn! Anyways, after one particular track meet, I got this rash on my face, mostly around my eyes. It was intense, man! So that day, as my eyes were watering like heck, I declared myself allergic to running. Never again would I join track. This is why I hate running - it never goes well for me.
What was my point again? Right! I'm totally avoiding things.
But eff. Every time I man up and face things, I always screw it up all over again and I end up feeling like shit. I keep getting half of what I give. Is it because I have too much faith in people? I always believe that there's genuine good in people, in everyone. Not just people even, in situations too. I accept the bad, try to understand it, and see the good in it. I think this is why I'm way too nice. I never want to make a fuss or complain. I let things happen, I'm super patient. I let people walk all over me. I act this way because I believe that whatever bad thing is happening or being done, will stop eventually. If I just wait it out, things'll turn up. The good will come out, and my faith in people and situations will be justified. Am I setting myself up for disaster?
This is why I'm running. I'd rather get a rash than a burn. I don't know what to do. I try to handle things with understanding, patience, and good intentions. I hate it when things end bitterly or if they don't even end at all and it's just up in the air, you know? I do whatever it takes for things to work out, even though if it means forgetting myself in the process. I treat people with respect, not because I have to but because I want to. We all deserve that. Taking care of things this way has become part of who I am. It's worked well in the past, but gosh! Now it seems like it hurts less to be the ignorant person who's doing all the damage despite the people affected. Am I right?
Shit. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. This was just a vent post, one to clear my head. I just needed to be honest with myself and I have. Next: what to make of it.
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There's a lot to be said about the way you are: being so patient, forgiving, accepting, and wanting things to be/end amicable because it's not always easy. It's something you should be proud of and if "people walk all over you", then it's just one of the things that come of it. Because it's not something that makes you weak; it's because other people just aren't as well-intentioned as you are and take advantage of it.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's not disastrous to be optimistic...I do believe what you believe; that blind faith will be justified. It just takes another kind of faith to believe in that. You can keep that without being a completely cynical person. You wouldn't be Ivee if you were.
Chin up! You don't have to be good at running because that's not what you're doing. You'll find your way. I love you! I kind of want to come home too.