thanks.

"patience is a virtue; good things come to those who wait."

"you just have a different purpose now."

I feel better now :)

friendship 101

Go back to kindergarten and retake the course or grow the fuck up.

's wonderful

Me time. Love it.

i guess we're growing up

A friend of mine had told me once, "I'm sorry to say - it's sad but - your group of friends eventually shrinks and soon it'll be just one or two friends."

I guess I didn't think it would happen to me 'cause the word "friends" doesn't mean what it normally does with other people. Ever since I was little, my friends were always my family. Always. I know a lot of people say that, but with me I very much mean it. I don't even remember the last time I spent time with my mom, dad, or brother. "Spent time" as in seen them/talked to them for more than 10 minutes. My family has no idea what my favorite color is, what I do during the day, they don't know the kind of music I like, or my favorite movies...I guess that's why I'm super attached to my friends.

That's why I always hold Christmas parties - with my real family, I never get a chance to see that many gifts under a tree or open presents in one big group and see that many excited faces all at once.

That's why I always want as many people to be together. When someone's missing, it's like someone missing at the dinner table - it's quieter and there's obviously someone missing.

And I guess that's why I feel like the youngest in the family of friends and everyone's moving away.

Everyone's got other things on the side, which is cool. I'm proud of every single one of you. I'm happy for you guys, too.

I guess it just hit me hard. I'm the only one that holds this much weight in the group as a whole. I'm not saying it's not important for anyone else. I know you guys love the group. But you also have relationships outside of the group, whether it be siblings, a significant other, work friends, school friends, a momma or papa. I just don't have anything else.

I know this may seem like I'm overreacting or I'm psychotic or being emotional. But please try to understand. There's been a change, even if it's a slight one. And it's affecting me more than you know.

After writing this, I realize it may sound like I'm asking for everything to go back to the way things used to be. But that's not being realistic. We're growing up. Our lives are changing. I just gotta change too. I need to start building new relationships outside of the bubble I've been living in. Maybe then I'll also have "something else", you know?

I just want you guys to know that you're still my family and I miss you guys very much.

just ain't gonna work out

There's nothing there.

There's nothing there.

There's. Nothing. There.

Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Zero.

...This is what I've been telling myself for years. I don't want it to be true, but it's proven itself twice before. Each time hurting more than the last.

There will be no third time...because there is nothing there.

There is nothing there. There is nothing there. There is nothing there.

I figure if I say it over and over again, maybe I'll stop picking up on the little things that you say that make me remember before, or stop missing how it used to be, or act differently when you're around.

I need to stop.

...because I want to be in a better place than I am now. I want to talk to you. I miss talking to you. I wish we could be friends.

But we can't until I stop wanting something to be there.

So how am I going to do that? I've only thought of one way - to not be there. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

I think I just don't want to deal with the fact that I was just another one on the list, you know? 'Cause I'm all too familiar with being just another one on the list. And every time I see you that's what I remember and that's how I feel about myself. It's not good for me.

One more thing. I only ask that you please act normal around me. I'm still the same person, even though at times I hide from you...I guess I'm just waiting for you to send that signal telling me, "It's okay. We can be friends again."

must i remind you?

High school is over.

Stay out of it.

...and heeeere we go again

fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me
fool me a third time?


no such thing.

"one minus a 'plus one'"

I just finished watching season 5 of Sex and the City. That show never fails to point out the truth - some truths I already know, some I didn't realize, and some that I'm not willing to admit.

But Carrie had asked a question during an episode entitled "Plus One is the Loneliest Number": Why does one minus a 'plus one' feel like it adds up to zero?

Why do we sometimes feel like we have to have someone to feel like a somebody?

So I sat in my newly rearranged room (thanks Kamila and Mae <3), staring outside my window while using my new "desk" and trying to write my Praticum I journals. I don't know if it was the new qi of the room or The National vinyl playing, but I felt so happy. I remembered one of my first blogs on this thing. I had forgotten about the little things that matter and that the rest will come in time.

During his commentary for "Plus One is the Loneliest Number," Michael Patrick King (the executive producer of SATC), had also asked a truth revealing question: Why does society make us feel bad for the things we don't have?

I let society make me feel bad for the things I don't have. But this quiet sunday afternoon has reminded me that yes, I am one minus a "plus one," but also a one plus eight, plus roscoe, plus the fam, plus newly found Toblerone, and plus many other things.

this doesn't help.

american beauty

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..."

can't go back now

Yesterday, when you were young, everything you needed done was done for you. Now you do it on your own but you find you're all alone, what can you do? You and me walk on, cause you can't go back now.

You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step, the night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get, but you and me walk on cause you can't go back now and yeah, yeah, go where you want to go, be what you want to be, if you ever turn around, you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else but in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself. And you and me walk on, yeah you and me walk on cause you can't go back now.

Walk on, walk on, walk on.

You can't go back now.

[Can't go back now - Weepies]