on a lonely day, i look out on the freeway

I've been feeling a little lost lately. It's not something that bothers me, really. Well, it does, but not all day, everyday. It's just at times when I'm doing nothing, or should be doing something but I choose to sit around and do nothing.

Like right now. I'm just sitting outside watching Roscoe sniff the grass and while listening to California by Wave (thanks Belle for posting it! haha) I love this song. Every time I listen to it I see the highway and all of us on the highway on a hot summer day as the sun is going down. Probably cause we made it tradition to always listen to it on the highway. It makes me sad every time I hear it though.

I've noticed that summer was so amazing because of all the things I did. The newness of everything. New relationships, new explorations, new experiences, new memories. But it's also much bigger than that. These "new" things opened my eyes to the world. I went places I've never been before, seen things I've only seen in pictures (yeah sure, the farthest thing was Seattle but you have to understand how little I've been able to travel). The people I've met have helped me to see myself in a better light. This summer I did a lot of growing up.

Now summer is over, but I feel like I'm still growing. There's something holding me back though. It's like I'm Ewan McGregor in Big Fish. What is it? I'm a big fish in a small pond. I want to discover things again. I want to go into the unknown, be a little scared. I'm tired of being safe. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to DO something.

I know I've said this before, many times. I've blogged about it to. I wish I could say that I know what I'm going to do about it. Like I said, I'm feeling lost.

"i'm sorry i broke your heart - but i did."

backpacks and early mornings

Today, I registered for courses at Langara College. Yeah. Langara. I know. I was never open to the idea of Langara until I realized just how accessible everything is over there. I mean, I can't take a single bio course at BCIT because it's only offered to nursing students. The same with Kwantlen. So I figured since I was done all the courses I needed to take at BCIT, that I'd go back to the normal school scene.

And I'm so excited.

I haven't woken up early for class in a year. I'm excited to have that morning routine - breakfast, shower, and get myself ready while I watch my morning cartoons. I can't wait to interact with people my age that could potentially be new friends. Just thinking that I'll have days that are non stop from the very beginning gets me so giddy. And to think, I'll be taking bio again (hopefully), is refreshing. On top of all that, I love my schedule!

I sound like I'm a first year, huh? Haha. Well, I kinda think I am. BCIT wasn't a normal college/university experience. Now I get to have what I envied so much of my friends last year. So bring on the piles of homework, tests, and quizzes (I know I'll regret saying that).

I can't wait.

"you really broke my heart"

Waves' dumpster is located pretty far away from the actual store and people have a habit of placing their garbage bags beside our dumpster (we lock it for this very reason). These people probably think "Well, I'm getting rid of my shit, and they'll probably just throw this in the dumpster when they throw their garbage away." What they don't anticipate is the mess: birds will rip through the garbage bags, trying to find anything they could salvage, bums may rummage through it too on occasion. Anyway, the end result is a huge pile of mess.

Today at work I had to clean up someone's garbage, that very mess I was just talking about. I understood why I had to do it and it didn't really make me angry. It was just kind of ridiculous. People never realize what one little thing could mean for someone else. Something that's easier for you may be an incredible hassle for another person. I just wish people would keep that in mind more often.

So please, take care of your mess before someone else is forced to deal with it. Be considerate or you're bound to hurt another person.

VIVA LA VIDA

God. Tonight was THE BEST night of my entire life. I cannot even begin to explain how amazing, amazing, A-MAZ-ING it was.



Coldplay, I love you.

NINETEEN

Nineteen (Album Version) - Tegan And Sara

So yesterday, after Kamila, Mae and I had left Bonnie and Belle's and "on our way to Waves", Kamila asks, "Have any of you done 19 stuff yet - other than clubbing?"

I think about it....Mae thinks about it...

Nope.

First thing that comes out of my mouth, "LET'S GO TO A BAR!" I get super excited while Kamila gets second thoughts ("What are we going to order?") and Mae reminds us that we have no money. Boo. Scratch that.

But no fear!! I don't remember who, but someone brings up another great, ultra amazing idea: the casino.

Oh my dear heavens, that place is just a whole other world! As we walked through, I imagined all the numbers on top of everyone's heads, like in Ocean's!! So cool!! Kamila, Mae, and I played slots the whole night. At first I had won $9.50! It was so exciting, but kinda scary, when my machine started making all those "cha-ching!" noises. I thought I had won $100, 000! Ha. But hey, I was pretty stoked about the $9.50! That's an hour's work for sitting down and pulling a slot handle thingy!

Sucks that I lost that.. hahahaha I was down $1.75 and I was determined to get it back. So I chose a machine and won it all back plus $.05 :) It felt great. We left right after because I'd totally lose it again haha.

Anyway, I know I should've realized this earlier, but 19 is going to be a great age - full of exciting and new experiences.

3978234 dolars

In my ethics class, we study different moral norms. One of which is Utilitarianism. This moral norm stands by the statement, "The greatest good for the greatest number". We discussed in class how difficult it is to rate or scale gains and losses. The great philosophers of the 18th century agreed. In an attempt to make things easier, they came up with a unit to measure losses (hedons), and gains (dolars).

Losses, or hedons, would count as things like anger, sadness, illness, grief, etc.

Dolars would be things like joy, contentment, satisfaction, and so on.

My day today, for some weird reason, consisted of a lot of dolars. It started super early (work at 7am). I wasn't too happy about that at first, but things started to look up. My manager and I cleaned the whole store 'cause a scary inspector lady was going to come in, either today or tomorrow. It was refreshing! Also made my shift go by incredibly fast.

I got off at 11am, the whole day ahead of me. So I decided to make a little visit to Goh Ballet Studio. I talked to them about the adult program and watched the advanced class for a bit. Gosh, they were incredible graceful and breathtakingly beautiful. There was this one guy though...he was wearing awfully tight spandex and he had a really obvious and funny looking tan on his legs - I'm guessing from wearing normal length shorts outside of ballet. Anywho, it's exciting to think that in either July or September, I'll be in that same room, looking silly but having the time of my life.

I then went home and took the most refreshing nap EVER. I love naps. Especially in my room, mid-day, when the sun is shining through my windows. I woke up and my whole family was home, in one room too! This is a very rare occassion. It was kinda nice :) Oh! And my mom mentioned that she wants to go on a cruise next year!! So far, but we never travel! This is so exciting!

After eating, I lounged around, waiting to head back out to watch a movie. The sun was going down. My room faces the sunset so the lighting is always so warm in my room during that time. I love it!

Anyways, I don't even know what I'm blogging about anymore hahah. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm good. I'm alone but no longer lonely, you know what I mean? I'm starting to realize that I can function on my own. I'm also beginning to like myself more. I am content.