...and heeeere we go again

fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me
fool me a third time?


no such thing.

"one minus a 'plus one'"

I just finished watching season 5 of Sex and the City. That show never fails to point out the truth - some truths I already know, some I didn't realize, and some that I'm not willing to admit.

But Carrie had asked a question during an episode entitled "Plus One is the Loneliest Number": Why does one minus a 'plus one' feel like it adds up to zero?

Why do we sometimes feel like we have to have someone to feel like a somebody?

So I sat in my newly rearranged room (thanks Kamila and Mae <3), staring outside my window while using my new "desk" and trying to write my Praticum I journals. I don't know if it was the new qi of the room or The National vinyl playing, but I felt so happy. I remembered one of my first blogs on this thing. I had forgotten about the little things that matter and that the rest will come in time.

During his commentary for "Plus One is the Loneliest Number," Michael Patrick King (the executive producer of SATC), had also asked a truth revealing question: Why does society make us feel bad for the things we don't have?

I let society make me feel bad for the things I don't have. But this quiet sunday afternoon has reminded me that yes, I am one minus a "plus one," but also a one plus eight, plus roscoe, plus the fam, plus newly found Toblerone, and plus many other things.

this doesn't help.

american beauty

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..."

can't go back now

Yesterday, when you were young, everything you needed done was done for you. Now you do it on your own but you find you're all alone, what can you do? You and me walk on, cause you can't go back now.

You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step, the night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get, but you and me walk on cause you can't go back now and yeah, yeah, go where you want to go, be what you want to be, if you ever turn around, you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else but in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself. And you and me walk on, yeah you and me walk on cause you can't go back now.

Walk on, walk on, walk on.

You can't go back now.

[Can't go back now - Weepies]

listen

PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death and God from Frank Warren on Vimeo.

I miss talking to people. Not just the simple "hey there!" but the dig deeper than the surface talks. I remember those talks as being the best, especially with strangers. It's amazing what people will tell you. It's kinda sad but amazing. I remember this one time I was working at Waves and an elderly man came in for some coffee. He had this tired look on his face, the kind you get when you're emotionally exhausted. Anyway, I handed him his coffee and he said to me, "Today is four years, you know?" I replied, "Four years?"He continued while looking down at his coffee, "Since my wife committed suicide."

Yeah. Heavy huh? I didn't know what else to do but apologize. He explained how he didn't really understand why she did it. They had everything - a great son, a $4 million home, great marriage. He even said that she had always told him that "he was the sweetest man she had ever known." (That broke my heart) It was silent for a while then he took a deep breath and said "Anyway, what can you do?" and walked off.

My coworker at the time turned to me and said "Why do people have to do that? It's so depressing!" I just kind of agreed (but not really) and kept cleaning the counters.

I know why people do that. They just want to connect to people. It makes them feel less alone. We all have our secrets that we secretly wish we could uncover without the worry of being judged. When that secret does come out into the open and there's understanding instead of judgment, we establish connection. A spark. Reflection.

And you can see it on the faces of the people in this video. It's actually really beautiful.

i love people.

autumn

On Monday I took Roscoe out for a walk. It was such a sunny day but it was FREEZING. So I took out my pea coat, boots and scarf and headed for the park.

I love autumn. I think it might right up there with summer. I like how autumn can be so cold but the colours are so warm. There's a tree on my front lawn that is in clear view of my window and whenever I look out I see the most intense red against the dark brown of the branches and it makes me feel warm and cozy. I love it!

Roscoe and I got to the park and I played ball with him in the tennis court. We ran around chasing the ball from one end to the other until he got really tired and just plopped down on the cement. I plopped down beside him and listened. The park was really quiet, not eerie quiet, more like that peaceful type of quiet you hear at a faraway lake. There were two kids jumping on a pile of leaves, yelling right before belly flopping into them, piling the leaves up again and then counting to three. There was a little girl and her dad playing soccer in the soccer field, she must've been 2 years old, at most! It was the cutest thing cause she would laugh so hard when she kicked the ball that she coughed every time she did. She had the curliest hair too!

I was happy in that one moment. All those little things combined let me put everything on pause for just a little bit. I know it's God's way of telling me that everything was going to be alright.

multum in parvo