thanks.

"patience is a virtue; good things come to those who wait."

"you just have a different purpose now."

I feel better now :)

friendship 101

Go back to kindergarten and retake the course or grow the fuck up.

's wonderful

Me time. Love it.

i guess we're growing up

A friend of mine had told me once, "I'm sorry to say - it's sad but - your group of friends eventually shrinks and soon it'll be just one or two friends."

I guess I didn't think it would happen to me 'cause the word "friends" doesn't mean what it normally does with other people. Ever since I was little, my friends were always my family. Always. I know a lot of people say that, but with me I very much mean it. I don't even remember the last time I spent time with my mom, dad, or brother. "Spent time" as in seen them/talked to them for more than 10 minutes. My family has no idea what my favorite color is, what I do during the day, they don't know the kind of music I like, or my favorite movies...I guess that's why I'm super attached to my friends.

That's why I always hold Christmas parties - with my real family, I never get a chance to see that many gifts under a tree or open presents in one big group and see that many excited faces all at once.

That's why I always want as many people to be together. When someone's missing, it's like someone missing at the dinner table - it's quieter and there's obviously someone missing.

And I guess that's why I feel like the youngest in the family of friends and everyone's moving away.

Everyone's got other things on the side, which is cool. I'm proud of every single one of you. I'm happy for you guys, too.

I guess it just hit me hard. I'm the only one that holds this much weight in the group as a whole. I'm not saying it's not important for anyone else. I know you guys love the group. But you also have relationships outside of the group, whether it be siblings, a significant other, work friends, school friends, a momma or papa. I just don't have anything else.

I know this may seem like I'm overreacting or I'm psychotic or being emotional. But please try to understand. There's been a change, even if it's a slight one. And it's affecting me more than you know.

After writing this, I realize it may sound like I'm asking for everything to go back to the way things used to be. But that's not being realistic. We're growing up. Our lives are changing. I just gotta change too. I need to start building new relationships outside of the bubble I've been living in. Maybe then I'll also have "something else", you know?

I just want you guys to know that you're still my family and I miss you guys very much.

just ain't gonna work out

There's nothing there.

There's nothing there.

There's. Nothing. There.

Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Zero.

...This is what I've been telling myself for years. I don't want it to be true, but it's proven itself twice before. Each time hurting more than the last.

There will be no third time...because there is nothing there.

There is nothing there. There is nothing there. There is nothing there.

I figure if I say it over and over again, maybe I'll stop picking up on the little things that you say that make me remember before, or stop missing how it used to be, or act differently when you're around.

I need to stop.

...because I want to be in a better place than I am now. I want to talk to you. I miss talking to you. I wish we could be friends.

But we can't until I stop wanting something to be there.

So how am I going to do that? I've only thought of one way - to not be there. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

I think I just don't want to deal with the fact that I was just another one on the list, you know? 'Cause I'm all too familiar with being just another one on the list. And every time I see you that's what I remember and that's how I feel about myself. It's not good for me.

One more thing. I only ask that you please act normal around me. I'm still the same person, even though at times I hide from you...I guess I'm just waiting for you to send that signal telling me, "It's okay. We can be friends again."

must i remind you?

High school is over.

Stay out of it.

...and heeeere we go again

fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me
fool me a third time?


no such thing.

"one minus a 'plus one'"

I just finished watching season 5 of Sex and the City. That show never fails to point out the truth - some truths I already know, some I didn't realize, and some that I'm not willing to admit.

But Carrie had asked a question during an episode entitled "Plus One is the Loneliest Number": Why does one minus a 'plus one' feel like it adds up to zero?

Why do we sometimes feel like we have to have someone to feel like a somebody?

So I sat in my newly rearranged room (thanks Kamila and Mae <3), staring outside my window while using my new "desk" and trying to write my Praticum I journals. I don't know if it was the new qi of the room or The National vinyl playing, but I felt so happy. I remembered one of my first blogs on this thing. I had forgotten about the little things that matter and that the rest will come in time.

During his commentary for "Plus One is the Loneliest Number," Michael Patrick King (the executive producer of SATC), had also asked a truth revealing question: Why does society make us feel bad for the things we don't have?

I let society make me feel bad for the things I don't have. But this quiet sunday afternoon has reminded me that yes, I am one minus a "plus one," but also a one plus eight, plus roscoe, plus the fam, plus newly found Toblerone, and plus many other things.

this doesn't help.

american beauty

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..."

can't go back now

Yesterday, when you were young, everything you needed done was done for you. Now you do it on your own but you find you're all alone, what can you do? You and me walk on, cause you can't go back now.

You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step, the night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get, but you and me walk on cause you can't go back now and yeah, yeah, go where you want to go, be what you want to be, if you ever turn around, you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else but in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself. And you and me walk on, yeah you and me walk on cause you can't go back now.

Walk on, walk on, walk on.

You can't go back now.

[Can't go back now - Weepies]

listen

PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death and God from Frank Warren on Vimeo.

I miss talking to people. Not just the simple "hey there!" but the dig deeper than the surface talks. I remember those talks as being the best, especially with strangers. It's amazing what people will tell you. It's kinda sad but amazing. I remember this one time I was working at Waves and an elderly man came in for some coffee. He had this tired look on his face, the kind you get when you're emotionally exhausted. Anyway, I handed him his coffee and he said to me, "Today is four years, you know?" I replied, "Four years?"He continued while looking down at his coffee, "Since my wife committed suicide."

Yeah. Heavy huh? I didn't know what else to do but apologize. He explained how he didn't really understand why she did it. They had everything - a great son, a $4 million home, great marriage. He even said that she had always told him that "he was the sweetest man she had ever known." (That broke my heart) It was silent for a while then he took a deep breath and said "Anyway, what can you do?" and walked off.

My coworker at the time turned to me and said "Why do people have to do that? It's so depressing!" I just kind of agreed (but not really) and kept cleaning the counters.

I know why people do that. They just want to connect to people. It makes them feel less alone. We all have our secrets that we secretly wish we could uncover without the worry of being judged. When that secret does come out into the open and there's understanding instead of judgment, we establish connection. A spark. Reflection.

And you can see it on the faces of the people in this video. It's actually really beautiful.

i love people.

autumn

On Monday I took Roscoe out for a walk. It was such a sunny day but it was FREEZING. So I took out my pea coat, boots and scarf and headed for the park.

I love autumn. I think it might right up there with summer. I like how autumn can be so cold but the colours are so warm. There's a tree on my front lawn that is in clear view of my window and whenever I look out I see the most intense red against the dark brown of the branches and it makes me feel warm and cozy. I love it!

Roscoe and I got to the park and I played ball with him in the tennis court. We ran around chasing the ball from one end to the other until he got really tired and just plopped down on the cement. I plopped down beside him and listened. The park was really quiet, not eerie quiet, more like that peaceful type of quiet you hear at a faraway lake. There were two kids jumping on a pile of leaves, yelling right before belly flopping into them, piling the leaves up again and then counting to three. There was a little girl and her dad playing soccer in the soccer field, she must've been 2 years old, at most! It was the cutest thing cause she would laugh so hard when she kicked the ball that she coughed every time she did. She had the curliest hair too!

I was happy in that one moment. All those little things combined let me put everything on pause for just a little bit. I know it's God's way of telling me that everything was going to be alright.

multum in parvo

how rude!

I really don't understand people sometimes. People complain about how the world can be so unfair and cruel. They don't realize that we make our world -- we make reality. The Thomas Theorem says, "Situations are real in their consequences if believed to be real." All of our actions have consequences; consequences that we web together to create the big picture that we call our world, reality, a social network of continuous interaction.

So if we have the ability create this reality, wouldn't it be logical to make it positive? I guess this is what every person sets out to do when they wake up in the morning with their day ahead of them. I've just realized though, that people often half ass the job. They make their reality positive. Their status, their experiences, their own world that exists in their heads is what some people aim to make better. I wish people could start to see that the way they choose to make these things better will affect the social web we call our world. We share the same space.

So the next time you think about stealing an innocent girl's phone, think about how much you have contributed to the mucky-ness of the world. Do you really want to be a part of that? Just think that when people ask, "Why are people so rude?" or "How can people be so mean?" that you will be the subject of those questions. You have contributed to the cruelty of the world. Does that make you proud?


I miss my blackberry =(

weekend 2

Yesterday, I baked Anna Olson's amazing creation "Brownie Sundae Explosion". It was AMAZING. Really, really rich. The icing is delicious on its own, and the fudge. Don't even get me started on the fudge. Super easy to make too!

Feel free to try it! Here's the recipe for her Strawberry Shortcake :)

I love baking.

weekend 1

On Friday, I baked a cake. Strawberry Shortcake. From scratch. Even the icing. I had so much fun!

Next up was supposed to be White Chocolate Brownies. Judging from my budget situation I might have to hold out on the baking :( :( :( And that B-E-A-UUTIFUL blazer from Aritzia. My heart is broken. I wish I could bake all the time.



SUPER SAD FACE.

INSPIRED

I have a crazy idea.

I am going to bake every weekend. Not just bake out of a box. I'm going to bake bake. From scratch. Not just ordinary things either. I wanna learn how to make fresh fruit tarts and mousse cake and blueberry filled cakes.

Crazy might have been an understatement.

Maybe it's because of the fact that I have weekends off now, or the fact that I'm an old lady in a 19 year old's body, or just because it's quarter to 5 in the am and I just can't think straight. Whatever it is, I'm inspired to do it. However, knowing myself, I will probably quit after trying it the first time. I just want to explore, like I've said numerous times before.

I know this may sound like a Julie and Julia blog, and maybe it is? I never really understood how cooking could help a person. I think I'm understanding it now. I guess it's the intimacy of it all. A hobby for yourself, something to challenge yourself with and actually see the final product and (hopefully) the joy it will bring to others too.

I don't know, we'll see how this goes.

First step: buy baking supplies. I think I'll do that tomorrow :)


Oh! and btw, any suggestions for things I could bake? Feel free to let me know!

on a lonely day, i look out on the freeway

I've been feeling a little lost lately. It's not something that bothers me, really. Well, it does, but not all day, everyday. It's just at times when I'm doing nothing, or should be doing something but I choose to sit around and do nothing.

Like right now. I'm just sitting outside watching Roscoe sniff the grass and while listening to California by Wave (thanks Belle for posting it! haha) I love this song. Every time I listen to it I see the highway and all of us on the highway on a hot summer day as the sun is going down. Probably cause we made it tradition to always listen to it on the highway. It makes me sad every time I hear it though.

I've noticed that summer was so amazing because of all the things I did. The newness of everything. New relationships, new explorations, new experiences, new memories. But it's also much bigger than that. These "new" things opened my eyes to the world. I went places I've never been before, seen things I've only seen in pictures (yeah sure, the farthest thing was Seattle but you have to understand how little I've been able to travel). The people I've met have helped me to see myself in a better light. This summer I did a lot of growing up.

Now summer is over, but I feel like I'm still growing. There's something holding me back though. It's like I'm Ewan McGregor in Big Fish. What is it? I'm a big fish in a small pond. I want to discover things again. I want to go into the unknown, be a little scared. I'm tired of being safe. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to DO something.

I know I've said this before, many times. I've blogged about it to. I wish I could say that I know what I'm going to do about it. Like I said, I'm feeling lost.

"i'm sorry i broke your heart - but i did."

backpacks and early mornings

Today, I registered for courses at Langara College. Yeah. Langara. I know. I was never open to the idea of Langara until I realized just how accessible everything is over there. I mean, I can't take a single bio course at BCIT because it's only offered to nursing students. The same with Kwantlen. So I figured since I was done all the courses I needed to take at BCIT, that I'd go back to the normal school scene.

And I'm so excited.

I haven't woken up early for class in a year. I'm excited to have that morning routine - breakfast, shower, and get myself ready while I watch my morning cartoons. I can't wait to interact with people my age that could potentially be new friends. Just thinking that I'll have days that are non stop from the very beginning gets me so giddy. And to think, I'll be taking bio again (hopefully), is refreshing. On top of all that, I love my schedule!

I sound like I'm a first year, huh? Haha. Well, I kinda think I am. BCIT wasn't a normal college/university experience. Now I get to have what I envied so much of my friends last year. So bring on the piles of homework, tests, and quizzes (I know I'll regret saying that).

I can't wait.